My heart has been in shreds since last august. Not because of the lawsuit, but because I'm so worried about how the boys are feeling about it. I spend whole hours feeling useless about this because really, what can we do?
I feel especially worried about Jaejoong. He has been drinking so much more now that the lawsuit has started and it just tears me up. Getting drunk alone and not even being able to get home by himself? And Mastuura's latest tweet about how Jaejoong's cellphone wallpaper is all 5 of them... I can't even imagine how horrible he feels. He goes crazy and paranoid, texting them non-stop on their ten measly off days a year, so I don't know how he's surviving right now. Please, please, if I could I would get on my knees and beg SM to please let them see each other. Can't they tell how much it hurts all 5 of them? Even if they are pissed off, I'm sure they must have some degree of fondness for these boys that they raised?
Can't they tell how hollow Changmin's cheeks have gotten without his umma to feed him? Can't they tell how they don't smile as much anymore?
I really want to find Junsu and tell him its okay, to tell all three of them not to feel guilty about the whole thing(I don't know about yoosu, but poor Jaejoong is quite obviously dying from it) and that we'll wait for them no matter how long.

This is an angry post. Do not read if uncomfortable.

I don't like drama. I have a tendency to make friends with people who don't create unnecessary problems in a friendship, whether intentionally or otherwise, but I like it that way. The first 16 years of my life were fantastic like that. And then I don't know what changed(well I guess, the people I was associating with changed) but suddenly every few months some issue will pop up. Its so frustrating. I'm just so sick of it all, I thought leaving that hell-hole would mean leaving all this bullshit behind but apparently not.

Why are some people so fucking petty? I tolerate your bullshit, and in all honesty, I was never interested in any sort of friendship with you in the first place, so why are you going around acting like you HAVE to put up with me. You aren't doing me any favours, I can tell you that. First time this happened, I thought, "Well this is fucking stupid." But whatever, I forgive, I move on, I overlook these sort of petty things that you seem to adore clinging onto. You apologised, you near GROVELLED and I said forget it, we can still be friends.

Now 5 months on, I'm regretting that decision. I don't need you insulting me(I don't care if its unknowingly, I'm a pretty hard person to offend, but day in day out you trample on EVERYTHING I believe in and talk down to me like I'm an 11 year old girl with my hair still in pigtails) in practically every conversation, but then get ridiculously offended if I even say something (NOT EVEN NEGATIVE MIND YOU) about you in a joking manner. Fuck you and your bullshit, tell my friends how 'I constantly insult you' for all I care, you should see how they roll their eyes knowingly because they know that I definitely do not do that.

Take your sorry excuse for a friendship and shove it up your ass. I'm purging you from my life. And if you haven't noticed, not ONCE in these 5 months have I ever started a conversation with you, or even participated in one enthusiastically. Don't make it seem like you are doing me a favour talking to me, because honestly, I talk to you because I feel bad that you have no friends.

Don't tell me I don't know how a friendship works, I am friends with some of the best people I know and would go through hell for them. You're the one that constantly bemoans how no one cares about you, so work it out, am I the one that doesn't know how to cultivate a friendship or is it you?

I don't need you, or your drama. You are by far the pettiest person I know. I hope I never see you again.